Re-entry

Yesterday, Riley and I returned from a week in the Bay Area with my sister and her family.   We had no major plans for our time there, and it was so nice to just hang out with them.  To just be there.  To make dinner and read bedtime stories.  There were trips to Toys R Us (what's the fun in being an aunt if you can't spoil them?) and afternoons at the park and the zoo, but mostly, we just hung out.  And that kind of downtime, that kind of time with people I quite simply adore - it was just what I needed.  

Back in the game

A couple of months ago, I decided it was time to quit avoiding dating- something I had very purposefully set on a shelve for the spring and summer.  I figured it was time to get back in the game, although after the last couple of weeks, I'm thinking the game changed while I was on hiatus. 

I had a date last week with a guy who was perfect on paper.  Unfortunately, that particular experience left me feeling like he was checking off items on a list, trying to decide whether I met his criteria for long term potential.  It felt like more of a job interview than anything else.  At one point, he even asked if I'd ever consider "relocating" to Provo.  Who says "relocating" other than in context of a professional move? It was really, really odd.  

But I digress.

Forever from here

"Mom, I can see forever from here."

Then...

"Mom, how far is forever?"

Then...

"Mom, I want all of forever."

Me, too, baby.

Me. too.

Inspiration today

After a summer that was a bit... well... we'll just say lacking in enlightenment... I'm happy to say that I'm finding my groove again, and soaking up some serious inspiration lately.  I have a few go-to sources for my creative mojo, and I wanted to share some of the people and words that are inspiring me lately. 


***
This blog post on Simplemom.net- I read this post on a quick break from work this morning, and I kept thinking "yes! yes! YES!" with every sentence.  It hits hard on the very things I'm struggling with lately-being able to release the idea of 'perfection,' and being ok with 'good enough.'  This Fall has brought a lot of changes to our little household, and has required a lot of adjustments to expectations, priorities and schedules (I'll admit it, I've had a hard time going with the flow sometimes.)  This post was a great reminder that it's unrealistic (also, unhealthy and unreasonable) to expect perfection - sometimes just getting out of bed and giving the day a go is the best that's gonna happen.  And that's ok.  Go read it.  Right now.  You'll be glad you did.

A day in the garden

It's not often that I get a day to myself, with no demands, no obligations and no "must dos."  In fact, I can't actually remember the last time one of those days presented itself.  But it did today, and the timing couldn't have been more perfect. 

I spent most of the day outside.  I started with a long walk around my neighborhood with my dog, and when we returned, I found that the walls of my home couldn't contain my still-restless spirit.  So, with camera, and journal in hand, I went out again-seeking space, seeking breath, seeking peace.    

Initially, I was headed to my favorite canyon to hike, but I found myself drawn to Red Butte Garden, one of my favorite places in Salt Lake City.  Despite it being a much-loved place, I hadn't spent time there in a while, and after realizing how long it had been,  I changed my direction and went there instead. 

 The light was perfect, so I wandered the trails with camera in hand; enjoying the cool day, the sounds of the birds and the insects, and of course the flowers that, although they are beginning to fade with autumn's approach, are still staggeringly beautiful.

I walked the entire garden with my camera, waiting for the words I needed to surrender to the page.  After an hour of photographing the beauty I found all around,  I retreated to my favorite spot - the fragrance garden- and settled in to write.  I waited for few minutes, eyes closed until I felt the words on the edge of my breath, and then- I wrote. 

I wrote about feelings I hadn't known how to describe, and yet the words kept showing up.  I wrote about how I felt about my life, about what was going well and what needed to change.  I wrote about the joy I felt in where I'm at and how far I have come, and about the frustrations and questions I just can't quite get a lock on.  I wrote about the elation of watching my child learn to read and the lump I always get in my throat when she takes another big step towards independence.  I wrote about how blessed I am to be surrounded by wonderful and amazing friends and family and the loneliness that sometimes still sneaks up on me, catching me off guard.

 I wrote for well over an hour, my handwriting filling up pages and pages and pages and then, exhausted and emotionally drained, I simply sat there-silent-for almost another hour.

Tonight, as I was uploading the photos from today, I was struck by how much I needed today, how much we all need days like today.  I needed this time to myself, time away from the daily demands of life, work, motherhood, etc. to just reflect on where I am, how I am living, what I am giving, and what direction I need to be moving towards.  I'm not sure I am any closer to the answers, but I feel lighter and more peaceful after having handed over the burden of those words to the waiting pages. 

She's a big kid now.

Riley started kindergarten right after labor day, which brought a lot of changes- new school, new friends, new teachers, new schedule.  It's fun to see how much she has blossomed in this new environment - they hit the books running.  She's already learned a bunch of sight words and loves to flip through whatever I'm reading and look for words she knows:  the, at, are, one, two, three, four.  She was already getting the basic idea of reading, but to learn real words in real books - it's pretty exciting for her. 

First morning- she was so excited, she would NOT stand still and let me get a good shot.  So, instead, we have this goofy one.  Which is just about perfect, after all. 

The school she is at has a dance company that comes into the school and teaches lessons, so we signed her up for ballet and tap.  So far, so good.  She loves it, looks forward to it and can't wait to show me her 'moves' afterwards.  I appreciate that she gets to participate in extracurriculars, without me having to figure out how to get her to and from them.  It's been really pretty great, so far.  And I say that very reluctantly, because her tap shoes should arrive early this week.  Heaven help us. 

Even though she loves Kindergarten, she's had a few teary-eyed episodes of missing her former teachers at her old school.  I understand- I miss them too!  They were such a big part of our everyday and so important to both of our well-being.  It bittersweet- watching her grow up, and knowing that one of the lessons she has to learn is how to move on.

First day of school - after school at pick-up.

So, yep...we're a family with a school aged child now.  Homework, school lunches, permission slips and backpacks - they are all part of our daily routine,  a routine we are beginning to relax into. 

I'm continually amazed me that we've been on this journey together for five years already - that my Girl is a Kindergartner!   Time really does fly.

And oh, how I love this girl.

Lessons learned from 35

It always happens in September.  The leaves change, the kids go back to school, and I add another spin around the sun to my age.  Fall makes me contemplative, and my birthday seems to make me even more so as I get older.  Lately, I've been reflecting on what I've learned from the past year.  What I want to keep with me as I move into the next year and what needs to go. 

This past year has been a little sleepy in some ways, but has also contained some really big, really important days.  There have been moments that have been game-changers, that altered the course of every part of my life, and there have been a thousand more that simply coasted on the energy created from daily living.   I've made a few big scary leaps into new areas of my life, and I've shuffled my way, slowly and cautiously, towards others.   Such is the way of life, I guess, and as long as I keep moving forward, I'm good.

Still, there are a few ideas I've really had hammered into me this year, lessons I've learned over and over again in various forms and through various means.  And a different lesson I learned a while ago is that when things keeps showing up, it's probably a good idea to pay attention.  So- the lessons that kept showing up this past year - here goes:


**Simply put, I must avoid the drama queens.  Although my caretaker tendencies urge me to jump in and fix/help/comfort/problem solve,  I am SO MUCH happier and balanced when I listen to my gut, cut and run.

**Although it might cost me treasured friendships, although it might make me rather unpopular in some circles, I will never regret telling my truth.  Never.

**My priorities are just that - MINE.  They don't need to fall in line with anything other than what I need and want and I don't need to justify or explain them. 

**It's worth mourning relationships as a way to bring closure, but it's not worth living in the "what ifs" and "whys."  It's just not. 

**It's ok to be incredibly grateful for all that I have, for all the abundance in my life and to still ache for the few things my whole soul desires.  The dichotomy is natural and good, and the longer and stronger the aches burn, the more effectively they function as a refiner's fire.  I know what it is I want. 

**Good things come to those who wait -  Good things come to those who work and strive and plan and keep trying.  (I stole this from Pinterest, but it's so very true.)

Pretty simple, right? 

Yeah-it seems that way - even to me - but those lessons have been hard earned, paid for with work and sweat and grace and faith. This past year required a lot of me - it forced me to define who I am, what I believe and what I want for my life.  It wasn't easy, but it's been good.   Real and good.

photo by Amy Gretchen.  I love how she sees the world.

And now- onwards and upwards, right? 

36 is waiting and I still have a lot of living (and loving and learning) to do.