Grateful for....

*My daughter -for the joy, the motivation and the chaos she brings into my world.

*My family- for the love, the laughter and the support they offer up every day.

*My friends-old and new, near and far, here and there and everywhere. I have truly been blessed with the best friends in the world.

*My job – work that allows me to flex my brain, stretch and grow, make a difference. Lots of people like their job- I LOVE mine. Lucky me.

*My bicycles – My bikes have been my salvation this year. I have yet to find a problem that didn’t solve itself, as long as I keep pedaling.

*The words – they keep coming, day after day, allowing me to share my story and open my life up to others.

*Squam – Where, once again, I found peace, serenity, love and magic. I’m so glad I went. It continues to fill my soul with inspiration and appreciation.

*Water – much healing and solace has been found following the black line. It’s hard to believe I used to be afraid.

*The small ones in my life – my nieces and nephews are constant sources of amusement and love. They deserve their own mention here.

*Faith – it’s a little different than what I thought it would be, but it’s there. And it’s lovely.

*Strength – I have found more of this inside myself than I ever thought I had. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual - I am strong, and, for that, I am grateful.

*Joy – I often find myself twirling around in a ridiculous haze of happiness and bliss. I am grateful to have a life full of what brings me joy.

Wishing you and yours a happy Thanksgiving.

Feeding the happy....

Why yes, I am a dork. Thanks for noticing.
Just a few of the things that are making me ridiculously happy right now...

* New friends- I love the feeling of getting to know someone's soul. I adore that part of the relationship where almost everything about them is a gift. It feels like I'm continually un-tying the ribbon and to see what's inside.
*Old friend- those ones you can call at 2 am they instantly know what you are talking about. What would I do without these girls?
*My new sheets -they are sooo luxurious and a dreamy shade of aqua. I'm madly in love with them.
*My Kelly Barton prints- Beyond being beautiful works of art, they remind me of the artist, who is one hell of a woman and an amazing friend. Love you, Kelly.
*Jen Lee's Podcasts- I took a class from Jen at Squam this past year and i'm still reeling from the impact. Hearing her voice on these podcasts are a great way to reconnect with that experience.
*Cheerio Road -I've followed Karen Maezen Miller for a while. Her book, Momma Zen, is a standard baby shower gift from me. And her blog is so insightful, so enchanting. I want to just hang out with this woman and absorb her level-headed spirituality.
*This girl, and this one, and this one, and this one, and this one....man, i have great women in my life.
*and this blogger, who I just dig. Ladies, this guy has perspective. I asked him to marry me, but he said no. :) Oh well, his loss.

Just a few of the good things that are feeding my happy right now. What's feeding yours?

Under the Weather

Waiting to be seen in the Emergency Room

I spent this past weekend with a very sick child. She was not feeling well on Saturday. By late Saturday night, I was pretty worried (and I am very level-headed when it comes to dealing with a sick kid). By early Sunday morning (3 am or so) , I figured we'd end up in the ER. By Sunday at noon, I was sure of it. We headed in around 2 pm when her breathing started to frighten me. We ended up staying the night and coming home on Monday morning.

That night, when my restless, wound up girl finally gave in to her need for sleep, I sat on the makeshift bed in the corner of her hospital room. I was exhausted, the kind of tired where you ache into your bones and your body seems incapable of any kind of coherent movement. I recognized this tired. I've felt this tired before, and i'll feel it many more times as I raise her.

It's the tired you feel after months of carrying them inside of you, when, even though they haven't yet arrived in your world, their needs supercede your own. It's the tired you feel when you finally hold them, after pushing through the pain of labor and the elation of delivery. It's the tired you feel when they won't sleep, when they won't eat, when you walk the floors with them night after night after night. It's the tired you feel when you've gone to battle against their first colds, staying awake even when they sleep, to make sure their breath is still even. It's the tired you feel because you put them first, because they need you more than you need rest, because they are the best reason there is to watch the twilight fade into the dawn.

She slept for several hours, and I stood guard over her breathing, tickled her arm to ward away her nightmares, protected her from the monitors that startled her into semi-consciousness whenever they alarmed. And as the minutes ticked away, the second hand of the clock on the wall an audible reminder of their passing, my thoughts turned to the many good things I had in that moment.

*a child who is basically healthy and happy, barring a few brief bouts of illness.
*incredible health insurance, making money the least of my concerns that night.
*a pediatrician who is also a friend, allowing us to contact her easily and often.
*a fantastic children's hospital only minutes from my home.
*a flexible job that is understanding and helpful as I deal with the unique needs of single parenthood.
*family who are concerned and loving, calling often to check on us and see how we are.
*friends who stand by us night and day, as evidenced by many late night calls, texts and a few in- person visits from those who happened to be working at the hospital that night.
*neighbors who have become our adopted family, who took care of things on the home front so i didn't need to worry about my dog or my condo.

As I found more to be grateful for, the calmer and more peaceful I felt. The tiredness didn't abate, it never does. But the love I have for my child, the love she gives back to me, and the love that is given to us from our friends and family...it was enough to get me through.

Once again, I was reminded to be grateful. We have everything we need.

Riley loved the moving hospital bed and getting to eat dinner while watching TV in bed.

Off the pedestal

I've been pretty quiet here lately. It's not that I haven't been writing, I have. Oh, believe me, I have. But a lot of the words that I've found have been too personal, too sensitive for me to share on here. For now, at least. But to those of you who have inquired as to my whereabouts...I'm here. I'm fine. And I love you all for your concern.



A very good friend and I have had several intense and fascinating conversations lately about life, love, faith, and living up to expectations. A topic that comes up frequently in these conversations is the concept of fitting inside a box, or conforming to an aspect of yourself that isn't even who you are, or who you want to be. I understand this tension all too well. It's taken me all of my 33 years to even begin to understand that who I am is ok. That I am not perfect. That I never will be perfect and that this is not only fine, it's how I am (how we ALL are) supposed to be. That we are here to find new experiences and make mistakes and find ways to correct them and learn to forgive others and learn to forgive ourselves. That although self improvement and striving to be the best we can be is incredibly important, self acceptance and striving to love ourselves despite our weaknesses is just as critical.

As long as I can remember, I have had an image of this perfect woman in my head, an image of myself, of who I am "supposed" to be. This imaginary person is the "ideal" me, the perfect version of myself who would magically materialize if I could "just do everything right".

I'm finally able to accept that that person does not exist, and further more, she never WILL exist. No matter how many things I do right, i'm still going to make mistakes, i'm still going to say the wrong things at times, i'm still going to ignore my laundry and eat Lucky Charms for dinner a few nights a week. And all of that is ok, because I am moving, I'm progressing, I have people who love me and people I love right back and most of all, I'm doing the very best I can with what I have.

So I've decided to take down that "ideal" me off the pedestal I've put her on in my head, and knock her around a bit. Hit her over the head with a little perspective, punch her in the gut with some reality. Take out my night-stick of truth and beat her around the face a little bit. Because, in all honesty, it's about time she started trying to keep up with me.

I'm done comparing herself to her, she's not real.

BUT
I'm here. I'm real. I tell the truth. I make waves. I make mistakes. I love. I laugh. I cry. I dance. I sing. I cuddle. I comfort. I help. I heal. I run. I swim. I bike. I create. I enjoy. I LIVE.

I'M HERE!

She's too busy smiling with canned joy at her non-existent children and her imaginary husband to do any of that.

She annoys me. I'm going to knock her off into the weeds as I ride my bike right past her.

Finding the Words

Since I can remember, I have had words in my head. There have always been stories brewing, lines of poetry being composed, or characters tumbling and whirling through my mind, even as I go about my regular, typical day-to-day life. Stories and scenes play themselves out in my mind as I do the dishes, bathe my child, check off items on the never-ending to-do list. The words keep me company as I ride my bike, follow the black line on the bottom of the pool, or run another mile. The world keeps turning and I keep writing in my head. I assumed everyone did this.

I told someone about this once, several years ago, and he just looked at me with an expression of horror. I’m certain that his clinical mind had just diagnosed me with all kinds of psychological ailments. He didn’t understand. Now that I am coming into my own, finding my tribe, I can say to my like-minded friends “last night I dreamed in paintings” or “the words are marching around my mind” and they accept this as a normal part of life. Words and pictures invade their mindspace, too. And because they do, they understand the burning need I feel to get them down on paper, so they are no longer inside of me, demanding a place to be expressed, demanding a venue to be heard.

It’s only lately that I have realized that my ability to write well is a gift-a talent that is uniquely mine. Only I can string the words together to form the story I need to tell, the truth I need to speak. It’s a god-given blessing that I am responsible for: to create, to inform, to make the world better. It’s a way I can leave my mark, a way I can be remembered, a way I can be heard. I believe everyone needs this, and I’m grateful to have found my path while it can still be developed and honed, while I can enjoy it and use it to help others understand me and my place in this world. I'm especially grateful that my words can help her understand her mother more fully. That she can, someday, read why i made some of the choices I did and why our lives are as they are. It's tough to tell a two year old the story of your soul, but one day, she'll need to know it. I can give that to her. Beyond that, I'm happy to have one more place to record my dreams for her, my wishes for her, and how much I love her.

These days, the words are coming to me more fluidly than they ever have. I have learned to keep the words, to hold them gently but firmly, until pen can meet paper and I can capture them permanently. I still have the occasions of writers block, but I’m learning how to coax myself through those. I’m grateful for this. I’m grateful for a life that lends itself to a few stolen moments to write, even though it never feels like enough. I’m grateful for my tribe of creative, authentic people who inspire me to keep writing, because I have a story that needs to be told and truths that need to be heard. And I'm grateful to have enough insight into myself, enough pride in my own story, and enough confidence in my abilities to believe it.

33 things you might not know about me.

I have had numerous requests to write one unique thing about me for each year I've been alive. So here goes:

1. I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have ever been.
2. The am actively working on two books, but have notes and chapters on about 14 others.
3. I fully intend to support myself and my daughter by writing full time within the next 10 years.
4. I cancelled my cable about 7 months ago and I do not miss it. At all.
5. I am a great public speaker, love to do it, and big crowds don't worry me in the slightest if that's why I am in one. Socially, however, I prefer smallish gatherings, where I can talk to people and get to know them.
6. I need PLENTY of alone time. More than the average person, I'd say.
7. My daughter and I share the same birthday. I was not willing to put off my c-section by 45 minutes so she could have her own. I am that big of a wimp.
8. I served in the Air Force for six years and I am very proud of it.
9. I think I have kick-ass legs (hence the above pic. thanks, jenica).
10. I have a great sense of humor, and can be really funny with most people, but I only get super-silly with those I love and trust.
11. I think I look better than I ever have, and I think this is a direct result of #1 on this list.
12. I am not easily scared or easily intimidated, but characters that come out of a play or performance and down into the audience - well, that scares the hell out of me.
13. I have a GINORMOUS family, which is awesome, and I especially enjoy how my siblings and I relate to each other now that we are all adults.
14. Even though my sister lives several states away, I consider my day incomplete if I haven't talked or texted her at least 10 times. I am not kidding at all here.
15. I didn't realize I was a pretty good cook until fairly recently.
16. I just learned to swim this year, but I have always loved the water, especially the ocean.
17. I love to rock the dresses, skirts and heels at work, but when i'm home, it's jeans and flip flops.
18. I am amused by little, obscure things. I know someone really "gets me" if they know what I'm laughing at without asking me.
19. I've spent a lot of time in New Orleans, and am fascinated with the history and culture of the city, but I don't especially like it. My favorite cities are San Diego, San Francisco, DC, and, weirdly enough, Austin.
20. I love to wear dangly earrings. I do almost every day.
21. Someone wrote a song about me a few months ago. It's sweet and silly and cute and I love it! It plays on my itunes and I put it on my mixes just so it cycles in every once in a while.
22. The biggest compliment I have ever received was from my friend's seven year old son. He wrote: "Amy is very nice. She is smart but not boring, pretty for a girl, knows more about sports than my mom, knows more about math than my dad, and is strange, but in a good way."
23. I completely believe in Karma. Absolutely , completely, without a doubt believe in it and have seen evidence in it again and again and again.
24. I don't like to watch Nicholas Cage or Jack Nicholson. I can acknowledge their talent, but I can't stand to watch them. I have no idea why.
25. I am fascinated with other people's beliefs and how they came to "own" them. So if I ask you to explain your religion or spiritual views or political opinions...there is no judgment. I'm just curious and want to know and understand where you are coming from.
26. I completed my first triathlons this year and my goal is to do a half-iron man in 2010.
27. I also plan on riding LOTOJA next year (2010).
28. I have only been to FOUR movies in the theaters since Sept. of 2007. I can find several things I would rather do than go to movies, although I used to love them.
29. I usually am reading 6-10 books at a time.
30. If I had to pick activity to spend my day doing, it would be cycling. absolutely. No question.
31. I have season tickets to the Utah Utes Football games. It's the highlight of fall for me.
32. I hate to shop for clothes, enough so that shopping interventions occasionally are staged on my behalf. I do, however, love shopping for lingerie. And perfume.
33. I can "read" people really well, and have learned to trust my gut. And I'm almost never wrong when I listen to myself.

New To Me

Sunday evening, I attended a going away party for a dear friend who moved to Hawaii yesterday. I joined in the circle of friends who had gathered, enjoying the lovely September night, the shouts of glee from our children as they raced around the yard, and the company of some of my favorite people. I watched my daughter join a group of children to play, jump, shout, sing, and generally make merry and I was startled by this fact: Just a short year ago, we didn't know any of these people.

The beautiful woman who is jumping feet-first into a dream of hers, who is intuitive and understanding, who has, so many times, healed my body and soothed my spirit...she's new to me. We've only known each other for a few months, yet I feel as if our heart and minds have always been friends. Her sister, who's lovely voice and charming hospitality welcomed us into her home...she's new to me. We've only known each other for a few weeks but I feel an easy connection with her and her adorable children. The gorgeous, artistic, eccentric woman who has, in just a year's time, become as close as a sister to me, who listens and hears me, who throws back her head in laughter at the antics of the wild children...she's new, too. Her husband, who speaks warmly to those around him, who is at ease in his own skin, who reminds my child to respect her mother (I'm always appreciative of adults who do this), who is one of the nicest men I know...he's new to me. Their children, who crawl on my lap, over my shoulders and onto my back, who can't remember my name but love me anyway, who envelop my girl in their special brand of sibling companionship...they are new to me. The warrior goddess with the honest answers and the creative spirit, who has taught me about being true to my gifts, about being a present parent, who understands the need to pound out life's frustrations on the pavement...she's new to me.

I occasionally joke that in the divorce, I got custody of the child and my ex got custody of our friends and to some extent, this feels true.
Although I am still in touch with some of my friends from my married days, and of course there are my wonderful soul-sisters I’ve known all my life, most of those I am close to these days are new to me.

A very wise woman once told me that when one area of life gets uncomfortable and scratchy, you are compensated by a gift in another area. I truly believe that these people who have shown up in my life (and please note that there are so many who I have not yet wrote about specifically here)…these people who believe in me, who stand by me, who comfort me and who love me… these people are some of my greatest gifts. And having a strong circle of friends, both in my backyard and scattered across the world…having people who love me, who support me, who hear me and give me a safe place to land…well, that’s new to me.