**Randomness**

Me and my shadow

Just some random stuff that has been wandering through my head-space today:

*I have been playing classical music in the mornings, because I find it to be a soothing and non-assaulting way to wake up. The unexpected benefit is that it seems to help Riley stay a bit more calm and focused on getting out the door and on our way. Win-win.

*It's so nice to have a friend who shops online and forwards suggestions to you, especially one that knows what you need because she knows every item in your closet, and instinctively knows what will look good on you. And it's even nicer when you don't like to shop and don't have time for it.

*I've been enjoying experimenting with new, healthier ingredients in everyday cooking. Things like agave nectar, greek yogurt and different whole grains are easy to use and a better option than many of my usual, go-to ingredients.

*Riley spent the evening with some friends last night, and came home with feet that were filthy from playing outside.
When we were getting her ready for bed, I asked "What does it mean when you have such dirty feet?"
The answer I was looking for: "It means I need to wash them."
The answer I got: "It means I had FUN, Mama!"
I liked her answer much better.

*When one of your favorite people lives in Hawaii, it's pretty much criminal not to visit her there, right? I need to start looking for tickets.

*Mae West was right: Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

*I've been finding inspiration in the most unexpected places lately. I love it when the Universe hands out small gifts like this.

*A little bit of yoga is better than none at all.

*I CANNOT wait until Squam by the Sea in October. I'm dreaming of days on the beach, lighthouses, time with my girls....heaven.

*I want some brown cowboy boots....the more beat-up, the better.

At a loss...

I am a responsible, reliable, resourceful person.
I am strong and confident.
I believe that anything worth doing is worth working hard for.
I can handle almost anything that is thrown at me.
I take a lot of pride in my work.
I take very good care of my daughter and myself.
I do the dishes and the laundry (eventually) and all the rest of the housework.
I do what I say I'm going to do, when I say I am going to do it.
I solve problems with whatever means I have to.
I set goals and I do the work to achieve them.

These are all good things, non?

Because of these things, I have a pretty fantastic life.

So what do I do when the above qualities are the cause of some pretty serious anxiety?
When a goal I set is waking me up at night, worried about how I am going to make it happen?
When this need I have to do my best, to follow through, to finish the game, is no longer a good thing, but it bordering on pathological?

Remember I'm training for LOTOJA this summer? Well, I'm starting to have some serious reservations about whether this is a good idea for me. Here's the thing: I know, I KNOW, that physically I can do it, and I really, really, really want to do it, but I have a lot of training between now and September 11th to truly be prepared. That kind of training takes time. And time is the something I am lacking right now.

According to my training schedule, I should be riding about 150-170 miles a week right now, with a lot of climbing in that mix. This is probably three evening longish rides (about 25-35 miles each) and at least one weekend longer ride (60-70 miles), with a couple of shorter, easy recovery rides thrown in here and there.

I would love to be able to ride this often, but my reality is I am a single mother of a busy almost-three year old, with a full time job. I go to work everyday, do my best there, and then head home and pull a second shift of housework and child-rearing responsibilities. I have friends and family who need me and I need to see, also. I have church responsibilities and other personal commitments and occasionally, I like to take some time to just chill. When I signed up for LOTOJA, I expected my life to look quite a bit different than it does now. Well, it turns out that it doesn't, and I have to work with what I have now. I love to ride - LOVE IT- but I'm just now sure how to fit this level of training into my already overcrammed schedule.

How I am going to work this out is becoming a bit of an obsession. It's honestly keeping me up at night. I tell myself it's ok to just do my best and if I can't do it, then I can't do it....but I don't really believe it. That feels like failure. I tell myself that I'll train up until race day, and if on that morning I don't feel ready, I won't do it...but I can't imagine myself doing that. I'd feel like I had wasted all summer. I tell myself to just bag it now and enjoy the rest of the season, but the thought of not riding LOTOJA, of not crossing the finish line...it makes me ache. I am firmly on a hook, and the really crazy thing is that this hook is all my own doing - I put myself here.

When I take myself out of the story, when it's some other 'full-time-working, child-raising, busy single mom' who just can't find the time to train for an event like this, I can easily hand her some compassion and tell her that her that it's ok, to just do her best and trust that things will unfold hwo they are supposed to. So why can't I summon up that kind of understanding for myself? Why can't I give myself permission to be gentle with myself.

AAAAAaaaarrrrrrrGGGGGHHHHHHH! (think Charlie Brown frustration here.)

The photo on this post was taken last October, in Moab. I love this picture of me because I look so relaxed and so balanced. I remember feeling so happy that day, so in love with life and so enamored with Moab and biking through Arches. Riding used to be an escape for me, a way to get out of my head and into my body. I rode because I loved how I felt when I did, and how good I felt afterward. It made me feel healthy and whole. Now I feel like it's an obligation, just one more thing on my already overloaded 'to-do' list. It's starting to feel like a job.

I know what I need to do. I need to get back to that feeling of freedom, of balance. I need to apply a little bit of trust that this will all work out how it is supposed to. I need to ask for help and accept the offers that have already been given. I need to seriously weigh the benefits of following through and the sacrifices it will take to get there. I need to do all of this, and I plan to.

On my next ride.

Whenever that happens to be.

Oye.

Gratitude Friday

Today I am grateful for:

**New yellow walls.
**The friends who helped me get them done and support me on all my adventures.
**The reminder that I don't have to take care of everybody (this is a hard one for me.)
**Finding a bit of solitude at the end of a wobbly, ragged week.
**Hot summer days and cooler nights. I love this season.
**Listening to the music from downtown on my rooftop deck.
**The chance to spend last weekend with my family and the way that time has carried me through this week.
**A new niece who will make her appearance in the next few weeks.
**Random emails from old friends who have no idea how much their words meant.
**My baby girl, who is no longer so little, but still is my baby.

Solstice Wishes

Riley ---June 21, 2010

Skin warmed by sunlight;
Golden wishes to the wind.
Summer Solstice Love.

Unbidden

Riley and I were at the top of Logan Canyon today, enjoying this view and getting a few wiggles out before we carried on towards home. As I took one last look at the breathtaking day, this quote came to my mind, unbidden.

"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles." ~ R.W. Emerson

It's funny how we often know what we need to hear, and it's usually right there inside ourselves.

Yes.

One of my favorite things - a magnet that Hannah made for me.


Yes. Yes, I have.

It's Pretty Damn Awesome, if I do say so.

Thanks, Hannah, for the reminder. :)

June 12of12

This month, the 12th was on a Saturday, and it just so happens that it was a day I didn't have Riley. It was raining and windy, preventing any biking as I had planned, so it was a pretty relaxed, pretty chill day. While it isn't representative of a typical day for me, it was still fun to record.

1. I took this photo as soon as I woke up. I slept in (for me) until 8:2oish and since I went to bed early, I got about 11.5 hours of sleep. SO NICE! And SO NEEDED!
2. I know it sounds gross, but i've been experimenting with eating a huge salad for breakfast to see if it affects my energy level and workouts. So far, so good. This was breakfast.
3. I spent almost the entire morning reading in bed (something I hardly ever do). I finished "Born to Run" and am working my way through "Rough Stone Rolling" (I love biographies) and re-read a couple of parts of "The Omnivore's Dilemma".
4. When I finally got out of bed, I went for a long-ish run. It felt GREAT!
5. Lunch was quesadillas, berries and tomatoes. No strategy here, just what sounded good.
6. Channeling my inner Jenica, while trying to get a self-portrait of me and my new camera.
7. 80 minute massage was on the afternoon agenda - mmmmmmm......
8. I enjoyed my pink pedicure with white and purple flowers all day long.
9. I'm attempting to grow herbs on my windowsills. This is my parsley, basil and chives planter.
10. Dinner - another big salad with chicken and whole grain bread.
11. I took a trip to REI after dinner, and kicked off my hunt for a new mountain bike. Can't wait to find the right one, so I can get on the trails.
12. Dessert - mine was a strawberry chocolate mousse that put me in a sugar hangover all day long. So yummy, but a little bit over-the-top.