My May Challenge: Spending Diet

I dated a guy for a while who said that you could tell a person's priorities by where they spent their time and money (for the record, his priorities were skiing and rafting, not me or our relationship, but I digress...) I think he's absolutely right on this count.  If you've read this blog for any amount of time, you probably know that I tend to focus a lot of energy on evaluating my priorities, making sure that I'm walking my talk, so to speak.  Money is one area that I haven't written about a lot, but it's something that I think about often.  I want to be intentional about where and how I spend, and I want my priorities to be reflected in how I manage my money. 

This is from a couple of years ago...Riley tried to 'grow' money in a flowerpot.  Alas, it didn't work.

 I've thought about having a no-spend month for a while, but it always seemed like there was some reason not to:  the holidays were coming, or we were going on vacation, or I knew that I would need new running shoes, or someone's birthday or wedding was during that month.  Something always seemed to come up.  When I was toying with it again for the month of May, I realized that noone is making me do this, so I could set my own rules.  I know...super perceptive of me.

Tomorrow starts the no-spend month, with the following as rules guidelines. 
What I will spend on:
1.  The bills will be paid.  Of course.  
2.  Basic expenses are allowed.  I'm counting food, gas, cleaning products, pet expenses, any medication we might need (it's allergy season, after all) and any necessary toiletries we can't live without for a month. I already have a budget for all of these things, so I'll just stick with it.
3.  Our planned trip to Denver for Mother's Day weekend.  I have a budget for this trip already, so I'll stick with that, too. 
4. Lunch dates and happy hour with my friends is the equivalent of therapy for me and important to my mental health, so I'm budgeting a small amount for this.  I'm considering it a necessary medical expense.  :)
5.  I do have some gifts I have yet to purchase, so I'll be buying those somewhere along the way.  


What I'm not spending money on:
Anything else- clothes, toys, movies, dinners out, craft supplies, entertainment, etc.- is a no-go for the next month. 

When Riley heard about this plan, her response was a stricken question.  "Mama, are we poor now?" This is what convinced me I was on the right track.  Despite the fact that I am nowhere near wealthy, I am financially comfortable with good money management skills, and as such, Riley has lived a pretty full life. We travel a lot, we do a lot of fun things, she's involved in some spendy activities, and between me and her Dad, she pretty much gets what she wants in the toys/clothes/stuff department.  While I don't want her to go without, I do want her to appreciate what she has and to understand the concept of wants versus needs.  I think that her watching me give up extraneous spending for a month, and seeing that we can still live a full, fun-filled  life, is a great way for her to increase her understanding of these concepts and to help gain the perspective that rich vs. poor has very little to do with money. 

So what do I expect to get out of this exercise?
-First, I expect to stop using online shopping/browsing as a distraction or entertainment, and thus have more time  to devote to the various half-finished sewing, craft, home improvement, organization, etc. projects I have laying around here.  I didn't realize how much I did this until I charted myself for a week.  It was eye-opening.
-Second, I am excited to focus on the many local activities and events that are always happening here in SLC, and to take advantage of the parks, libraries, gardens, museums and events that are free or that are part of our (already purchased) membership.
-Third, I hope know our time off will begin to center more on things we want to do (like working out, relaxing together, fun outdoor activities, and diving into those aforementioned projects) rather than running a million errands to pick something up, return something that didn't fit, grab that one thing I heard about, etc.
-Finally, although this month is less about money and more about living intentionally, I am happy about the extra cash I'll be able to stash away.  April was an expensive month, containing a week long vacation, unexpected dental work, major car repairs and pricey veterinarian care, so the additional funds heading to my bank account are not unwelcome.

Anyone want to join me on this little adventure?  Remember you can make your own rules, so you can tailor it to fit your needs.  Anyone?  Anyone....?

So tomorrow is May.  First day of the challenge.   
Bring it.

Sunday Gratitude and Intentions PLUS 52photos week #1

Being very conscious of those things for which I am grateful is an important practice for me.  It helps  me stay present and grounded and helps shift my focus from frustration or lack to optimism and contentment.   It's powerful, it's very real, and it's something I try to do daily.

I used to blog about these things on Friday as a way to close out the work week, but lately I've noticed that Sunday seems to be the day that I reflect back on the week behind me, and the time I also set intentions for the week ahead.  I already do this privately, but I think I'll begin bringing it here, as well.
 
Gratitude
*I've been a bit confused lately about where and how to focus my professional efforts.  Given that my career is necessary, both as an important part of my mental and emotional makeup, as well as the means to support myself and my daughter, I get rather unsettled when this area of my life feels out of whack.  In the last few days, however, some glitches worked themselves out and I found some clarity on a few other issues.  I'm feeling much better about where things are now. 

*I've had my dog, Harley, for 11 years.  He is my first baby, my sweet, mellow companion, and a constant source of unconditional love.  He is about 14 years old now, elderly in dog years, and his health is depleting.  His hearing is almost gone, he has a benign heart murmur which will eventually lead to congestive heart failure and recently, he developed an eye lesion.  This week has seen us at the vet several times for treatment of his eye- a minor procedure but still very hard for me to handle (read: i sat in my vet's office and cried for an hour.  twice.)  This experience made the fact that he's not going to be around forever very, very real  but opening up to a few people about how hard this is for me has brought so much love and support.  That love and support and the knowledge that I have people to be there for me when some hard choices need to be made eases the heartache.    (Also, for those who are wondering, his eye is much better than expected.  Yay!)

Harley, at the vet on Tuesday, April 23

*Riley and I spent the weekend in Idaho visiting my family.  We hadn't been there in a while and it's always a good time for both of us.  The added bonus for me, though, is that I sleep better at my Dad's house than I do anywhere else on earth.  I don't know why this is, but after a few rough weeks with lots on my mind and too little sleep, I really needed those hours of deep, restoring sleep.  Although I could use another few days of that level of rest, I got enough to feel rested and ready to start another week.

*Oh, yeah...did I mention... it's Spring!  It's Spring!  IT'S SPRING!  Warmer weather!  Bike season begins!  Flowers!  Evening walks!  I am so ready and grateful for this season!

One of many photos I took wandering around my neighborhood this week.  I love Spring!

Intentions:
Moving into next week, I am setting the intentions to:
*Be mindful of those things I know help me stay balanced:  clean, healthy food, plenty of exercise and a tidy, organized home.  
*Stay focused on the task at hand.  I've picked up a tendency of floating between several projects at once, meaning I get a bunch of things halfway done.  I find this method distracting and unsatisfying, so I'm working hard to break this habit.
*Carry a 'real' camera with me more often.  My iPhone is such a handy way to capture life, but I find that photos I take with my Cannon or even my toy film cameras are more satisfying; they are usually visually superior and it gives me a chance to work on my technical photography skills.  Plus, having my 'real' camera shifts me into a more creative mindset-which is never a bad thing. 

So now I'm wondering -
What are you grateful for this week?
What intentions are you setting for the week ahead?


52 Photos project:
I'm playing along with Bella's 52 Photos Project, and this is week's prompt was "conversation."  Luckily, I took a photo of a my sweet 15 year old niece right before her shift started at work.  Having a chance to catch up with her, even for just a few minutes, was a highlight of my day. 

 

The Real Karmic Godmother and Soul Sista of New Jersey

A couple of weeks ago, Riley and I were lucky enough to be able to travel to New Jersey and visit some friends over Spring Break.  We stayed for the first few days with our dear friends, Amy and Maya, and Amy's super adorable boys, Evan (14) and Charlie (12). 

Amy and I met our first year at Squam Art Workshop.  I instantly loved her brassy attitude and penchant for fun, and I was excited to stay in touch with her.  We  have become closer with each passing year, usually seeing each other in the fall for Squam or Squam by the Sea.  She's been a constant cheerleader for me in so many ways, and has provided a listening ear and wise words through some difficult phases.  A few years ago, I met Maya while she was in SLC for her Tour de Word project, during which time she taught a poetry workshop in my home and stayed a night with us. We didn't get to spend a lot of time with her then, but I really liked her and was so enchanted with her energy and presence.

So Maya had met Riley briefly, but Riley and Amy had yet to meet.   I knew that the combination of people and personalities was going to be, well...really good.

And oh, it was! 

Amy and Riley - outside of the museum of natural history

painting rocks

The time we spent with Amy and Maya was just what we needed- low-key, creative, and simply full of "feel-goodness."  There were trips to the Butterfly Exhibit at the Museum of Natural History, relaxing hikes in the New Jersey woods, and even a 6th grade talent show, featuring Charlie and his amazing dancing skills (seriously - this kid has the moves!)  Plus there was a lot of hanging out on the most. comfortable. couch. in. the. entire. world.  Lots of typing on the typewriter, some rock painting, lazy mornings and a few superhero capes thrown in for good measures. 

butterfly exhibit at the Museum of Natural History

Riley loved this subway mosaic butterfly

Besides the Museum of Natural History and Central Park, we made a special trip to the Plaza Hotel, where Eloise lives.  Amy sent Riley an Eloise book a few years ago and this started an obsession with all things Pink, Plaza and Eloise.  So getting to be there with Amy was a highlight of Riley's trip.  I will also say that Amy taught Riley to say "But I want an Oompa Loompa NOW!" in an annoying, whiny voice, which Riley thinks is hysterically funny.  And I will be paying Amy back soundly for that one day - one day soon... 

Plaza door handles

Amy and Riley and Eloise

Riley at the Plaza 

We had planned to go into the city one more time with them  and experience "Write on the Line," but thanks to a little girl who didn't feel so well, that plan had to be altered.  I was disappointed, but I guess that just means I need to head back to see them again soon!

Riley said her favorite part of our time in Nutley, NJ was seeing Eloise's hotel, riding the subway and playing tricks on Charlie (we short sheeted his bed.  She thought this was the best thing ever.)  My favorite part was spending time with these amazing women who I am so incredibly grateful to count as friends.

After returning home, Riley gave a "show and tell" about our trip for her class, during which she referred to Amy as her "Karmic Godmother."  I was thrilled to hear Riley pick up on that phrase, which is what I have called Amy for a while.  And I was even more delighted when she described Maya as her "Soul Sista."  I don't know where she got that, but it works.   I can't imagine women I'd rather have be identified as my daughter's "Karmic Godmother" and "Soul Sista" than Amy and Maya.

Thanks, Amy and Maya (and Evan and Charlie) for letting us spend time in your world for a few days!  We loved everything about it!

Riley and Maya - strong case of hero worship happening here.

Jumping back in

Spring!  Spring! It's Spring!

I've been trying to figure out a graceful way to ease myself back into the blogging habit, after an unintentional, but rather long blog break.  I've debated whether I should just let this particular blog go, if I should start a completely new one, or whether I should just be done with the blog thing altogether.

Yet when it comes right down to it, I love this little corner of the blogosphere.   I love having a place to say what I want to say, to reach out and share what's going on in my heart and head, to publicly enjoy my daughter's antics, and to talk about what's happening in our world.  This space has become a place where my friends and family across the world come to check in on me and Riley and I've been less than stellar at keeping it up to date.  I want to do better. I will do better.

So I'm jumping back in.  And in the spirit of spring and rebirth and renewal and pretty things everywhere, I'll be making some changes.  In the next few weeks, you can expect a little blog makeover, some new links and some other fun changes.  I'm excited.  I hope you are, too.

Not my 12of12 post. Not even a little bit.

I keep sitting down to edit and compile my pics for my 12of12 post, and I keep finding a million other things to do instead of that.  I'm not sure why- I love the 12of12, but perhaps it's going to be in quarterly installments instead of monthly for 2013.   Whatevs....it'll get done, right?

This photo was taken by Riley and she loves it and wanted me to put it on my blog (which she calls a ba-log.)  She's very into grabbing my phone and snapping random pics and I LOVE seeing how she sees the world.

But tonight, i felt like showing up here, so I'm just gonna word vomit some of the stuff that has been going on in my mind lately...a  combo "what's happening around here/what's I'm thinking now" post, if you will.   Because I love lists.  And updates.  And also strawberry frosted Poptarts, but that's entirely irrelevant.

1.  So, I'm taking the Girl back east this spring to meet someone who I believe will be her lifelong Karmic Role Model (seriously, these two are kindred spirits) - the other Amy - and to see one of my besties since birth, Cam.  I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about this trip.  Travel?  Amazing women?  People who get me right down to my bones? Children I adore? A new corner of the world to explore?  Yes, Please!

2.  Do you guys have Spotify?  Do you love it?  I love it.  You should get it.  You'd love it, too. At least, you should try out the free month trial and see what it does for your life.  It made mine much more musically diverse, which is only a good thing.

3.  It's January in Salt Lake City, which means inversions and Sundance.  When possible, I avoid really large crowds and men's cologne overdoses, so Sundance is out.  And the inversion means red air quality, which means I can't play outside, so XC skiing/snowshoeing/winter hiking is out. Plus it's really cold (like 2 degrees this morning.  yeeesh.)  So what I'm saying here is that this is the time of year to catch up on Netflix, and "How I Met Your Mother" is my current time-waster.  It's hilarious.  I'm plowing through the seasons.

4.  I've been inspired by C. Jane to write my life stories similar to the way she wrote hers - and although I'm not posting them on my blog, it's been such a good way for me to step back and gain perspective about my life and the stories that make it up.  In some cases, it's validating and empowering - allowing me to really own the stories that are mine and to let go of those that aren't.  In other cases, it's been so healing - allowing me to offer forgiveness to myself and others and to acknowledge that, despite mistakes and trials that were largely of my own making,  I was always just doing the best I could and working with what I had.  I doubt that these life stories are anything I'll ever share publicly - I plan to let Riley read them someday, and maybe a future spouse (should I ever get another one of those) - but even if I'm the only person who ever reads these, that's enough. Writing them was enough.

5. Womanhood. Feminism. Body image.  Spirituality vs. religiosity. Grace.  Sexuality.  Self Acceptance vs. Perfectionism.  Compassion.  Ego. Activism.   All topics that have been on my mind lately.  Separately and together.   Singularly and plural.  A big mess of complex topics all taking up space in my brain.

6.  I think I am going to go back to school.  I have no idea what this will look like yet.   More coursework towards my sorta close PhD?  Graduate work in an entirely different area?   Just some courses to update my education and round out my CV?  Classes in a 'luxury' area, one that won't change my career, per se, but are more for personal interest?   I really have no idea, but the idea is firmly taken hold in my mind.   I think I am going to go back to school.

7.  I'm trying to drink more water.  And I've found that I really prefer to drink diet Mt. Dew.  This is no surprise to me (and to anyone who knows me), but I thought I'd write it here anyway.

Easing In

It's been more than a week since the various New Year's celebrations occurred, and I'm just barely finding my way back to my blog to ring it in.  Typically, I start the New Year off big- with resolutions and resolve, determined to start off strong and continue that way all 365 days - come hell or high water.  But I'm choosing to operate a little bit differently this year, easing in instead of jumping in, following my gut instincts about what this year will bring.

Witness

Yesterday, I flew home surrounded by 16 men who were returning home to Idaho and Oregon after an 18 month deployment to Afghanistan.  For some reason, I was seated dead center- right smack in the middle of them.  Now, I love me some men in uniform, so I was more than happy to be where I was.  After the initial flirting and fun, they started talking, and for six hours, the words just spilled out of them.  They talked and talked and talked.  They told me all the funny stories they knew about each other, having 18 months of close contact to inform them of each others' habits and idiosyncrasies. They showed me medals and told stories of bravery, of courage, and of heartache.  They told me about their buddy who had died protecting some school children who were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and showed me pictures of his young daughter who will grow up without him.   Some showed me pictures of their babies who they had yet to meet, and another showed me photos of his wife, the only woman he had ever loved, but who decided she couldn't handle being alone, and so she sought comfort in another man.  She filed for divorce last month.  He told me this and held my hand when tears filled my eyes for him. He told me he'd already cried enough, that he had to move on.  They told me about how scary it was to get into a humvee, even after they swept it for UXO, because so many of them had seen this type of explosion.  They showed me a video of their friend who ran his first marathon, aided by a prosthetic leg.  They told me about watching the SuperBowl in the middle of the night, and how they all loved Modern Family.  They showed me a matching tattoo they all had on their knee, in honor of their fallen brothers. So many stories, so much of these men's lives, all came tumbling out between takeoff and landing. 

When the plane landed in Utah, I stood and hugged each and every one of them.  I told them how honored I was to have spent those hours with them, and that I wished them all the best.  One of them, the shy, quiet major who told me of his impending divorce, thanked me for listening to him and his 'men'.  He said that most people clapped and cheered for them, but not too many had really just listened. 

His last words to me were "You listened.  It's so great to have someone really listen." Then he hugged me and I went on my way, his words ringing in my ears. 

**********************************

My shoulders ache tonight.   It's been a week with too much travel, too many nights in a hotel, too many meetings.  My whole body is paying the price of too little exercise, too little sleep.  And despite a weariness that is bone-deep, a heaviness that has saturated every muscle,  I can't settle into sleep. 

My heart is heavy, too.  Heavy from the internal struggle of trying to reconcile intolerance and injustice against someone I love, handed out by an institution that I love.  Heavy with the growing debate on whether women of my faith can/should/will wear pants to church on Sunday (I know- it's comical, but it's real.)  It's heavy with the news of violence that seems to be growing exponentially each day, and mostly, it's heavy with the senseless death of so many innocent children. 

I've spent this evening thinking about these things that are weighing on my heart, reflecting how to move forward and how to make sense of all the craziness that seems to be in every corner of my life. 

I'm not suggesting that any of the things that weigh heavy on me today are actually my burdens.  I am not the one who feels that he has to choose between a church he loves and who he fundamentally is.   I will wear whatever I want to church on Sunday, and feel fine about it, because I have already settled that particular debate in my own head and heart.  I did not lose a child or a friend in today's shootings.

The question that weighs on me tonight is what I can do to make these things better for those who are really hurting, to find some sort of grace in the space between, because I can never make these things right. 

The word I keep coming back to is witness.

By one definition, witness means to observe and experience a particular event or situation, and by this observation, to be able to stand in confirmation of something  (example: he was able to witness that she signed the document.) 

And I think that the best thing that I can do right now, with these particular situation, is to act as a witness.  
To be present and to observe.  

I can be present and I can observe the pain my loved-one is feeling from simply being who and what he is. 
I can't change it.  But I can witness his pain.  

I can be present and I can observe the courage it takes for someone to go against a cultural norm, to take a small step towards what their heart says, because they feel like it's time their voice is heard.  
I can't change the norm.  But I can witness the courage it took for her to make her decision and to act.

I can be present and I can observe the grief that is bubbling up for so many today. 
I can't change the outcome.  But I can witness the heartache and the anger that many are feeling, that I myself am feeling. 

So why does it matter?  Who cares if all I can do is be present and observe?  How does this help?

Too often, we offer platitudes that are supposed to be comforting, but instead are just patronizing and annoying.  Instead of listening to the one who needs to talk, we yammer on and on, trying to convince them that we are right, that we know what to do, and that our way is the right way. (I had this experience this week- I needed to talk and the person I chose to talk to spent a good amount of time trying to convince me that what I was feeling wasn't real or valid.  It hurt.  A lot. And did nothing to make me change my mind.)

In my experience, one of the most healing gifts is to have someone witness your pain, your grief and your struggle, and be able to stand in confirmation of it.  To confirm that yes, you are hurting.  That yes, you are grieving.  That yes, you are confused.  That yes, this was terrible.  That yes, this is real.  

They can witness that you took those steps, that you felt those feelings and that this struggle was, in fact, real and worthy of all the pain and struggle and grief.  It's validating.  It's empowering.  And when we are hurting and greiving and struggling, we need validation.  We need empowerment.  We need to someone to listen. 

We need a witness. 

I finally found my witness tonight, and was able to lay out some of what I was feeling to her.  She  was present and observed.  She listened to me rant and cry and be angry and upset.  And although she offered no solutions, she really heard what I was feeling and stood in confirmation that yes, it was real and that yes, it really sucked.  And I feel more whole, more validated and more empowered because of her standing as my witness.  

So, I'm moving forward with the intention to be a witness for others.  
I can't change the awful tragedies, the injustice, the anger and the pain. 
But I will be a witness to it.  
I will be present and observe and be ready to stand in confirmation of what is happening and what those around me are feeling. 
To be a witness to their grief, their struggles and hopefully, also their happiness and their joy.  
To validate and to empower.  


It's what I can do now.  
It's what I will do now. 

And once once we have listened and heard, once we have validated and empowered -  then we can move on.  

But for now, for me, it's time to stand as a witness.