Gratitude Friday

April 29th, Yep...snow.

It's been a rough week.

I had a few major deadlines at work, more than a few battles to fight on the homefront with a certain stubborn two year old, and several things that are currently weighing heavy on my mind and heart. Added to that, there were overflowing toilets (again, courtesy of that child of mine), workouts that didn't get completed, floors that still need some serious mop love, the never ending pile of laundry, and a list of "nice to-do" that wasn't even considered a possibility. On top of everything else, I had a terrible dream that was so intense, and so eye-opening, that it really threw me off for a couple of days.

Did I mention that it's been a rough week.

And so now it's Friday night, I'm sitting poised on the front edge of a new weekend, and truthfully, I'm exhausted just thinking about the things I need to do this weekend to catch up and go into next week balanced and ready. I'm trying to summon up the energy to get started on my weekend to-do list. Clearly, it's not going well.

Yep, it's been a rough week.

Still, when I really think back on the week, I'm struck by the many opportunities to stretch and grow this week presented. And how much I truly have to be grateful for:

*For my amazing, wonderful, stubborn, loud-mouthed, sweet, sassy, silly, smart, beautiful baby girl. Who knew that a mother could learn so much about fearless living and open-hearted loving from her child?

*For my awesome friends, who listen to me, offer advice, guidance and support whenever I need it, and go out of their way to help me when I need their special brand of assistance. My life is composed of some seriously wonderful, generous people.

*For my sister, who listens without criticizing and gets mad in my defense, even when I'm too tired to be upset. AND keeps me supplied in cute twinner pics that make my days. Love my frist.

*For my parents, who were both intuitive enough to get in touch when I really needed to hear from them. I don't believe in coincidences. They just knew.

* For a pretty great guy who is willing to stop by just to give me a hug on what turned out to be a long, draining night. How did I ever get so lucky?

*For taking the time to really get to know myself, so I can listen to gut feelings and act on them in the best way possible for me and for Riley.

*For learning to ask for what really matters.

*For the desire I have to move forward and progress. I've always been this way, and I'm coming to value it as one of my best traits.

* For new days and new beginnings and the hope for a better tomorrow.

So, yes, it's been a rough week and I'm glad it's over. But, as always, when I stop to look at what I have and what I am blessed with, I wouldn't change it for easier weeks or a less stressful schedule. I'm very, very blessed.

Monday Randomness

She reminds me of myself in this picture.

-I'm addicted, obsessed and madly in love...with Kroger brand low-fat popcorn. I might need to buy stock in the company. It's a quick, salty, and a somewhat 'healthy' option for snacking, and it has replaced lunch a few times in the past week. I might need an intervention. It's getting scary.

-I know every word in the Movie "Aladdin" and "the Incredibles". Every. Single. Word. I could even sing the songs for you.

-Riley's newest obsession is with airplanes. She loves them and is constantly on the lookout for them. I'm taking her to the Air Force Museum this weekend to further fuel the love. Want to join us?

-I need to buy some clothes. The state of my closet is beyond ridiculous right now, but I really have no desire to shop, AND i think most of the clothes this season are U.G.L.Y. (they ain't got no alibi, they ugly...) It's a problem.

-I've been making a conscious and consistent effort to get more sleep, and it's definitely making a difference. I feel much more grounded and productive throughout the day.

-Getting up at 5:30 has actually become something I enjoy. I like the quiet, and the ability to get up and get going at my own pace. If I can get a few things done before Riley gets up, I feel so much more on top of my day.

-It's been way too long since I've seen my sister, and I am going to remedy that soon! I'm heading out to California the last week of May for some quality time with some of my favorite people.

The space between

As I mentioned previously, I am trying to shake up my workouts by throwing in some different forms of exercise. Earlier this week, on a beautiful, sunlit afternoon, I headed out for some trail running after work. I'm lucky enough to be just steps away from the Bonneville Shoreline Trail, making that a natural destination for these types of runs. With only the goal of getting a hard (but hopefully fun or at least an interesting) run in, I changed out of the skirt and heels that had been my uniform for the day, laced up my new trail runners, and headed out.

The afternoon was breathtaking. The blue sky beckoning for all to come out and play, the temperatures lovely and light in the low 70s. The sun on my shoulders felt amazing after the blah dullness of the past few weeks. I started off on the trail, slowly at first, but gaining speed as I gained surer footing. Running isn't my favorite activity, but when I turned my mind over to the task of keeping me upright on the loose and gravelly trail, the movement became part of the experience. I ran, I walked, and I jumped, doing whatever was necessary to keep moving forward, to keep covering ground. I almost lost my footing a couple of times, the wildness of nature still occasionally peeking out from the semi-groomed trail to catch me unawares. I reevaluated and readjusted and kept going, enjoying the challenge of staying on my feet and still moving at a fast pace. I ran like this for about 30 minutes, my mind checking off landmarks without conscious thought...there's the hospital, and there's Huntsman Cancer Institute. Air Med landed right in front of me, allowing me the scent of aircraft fuel that still makes me nostalgic for my military days, but I kept running, enjoying how I was able to notice the many details of the places that have been my professional home for the past eight years, while still pushing myself hard to race up and down the trails.

Finally, I reached a good place to turn around, and I stopped to catch my breath and enjoy the views before I headed back. The valley spread out before me and my eyes caught the familiar landmarks....LDS hospital, Temple Square, the airport.....places that often ground me to my position in the valley. But this time, as my eyes traversed the valley and settled on the Oquiirrh mountains rising opposite me, my mind reached beyond them, to the small town and the beautiful home that is nestled in the foothills there, to land solidly on the man who resides in that home, the man who holds my heart entirely.

You see, eventually, this small town will be my small town. This beautiful home will be our beautiful home. This amazing man will be the other half of us, and while I am so grateful and excited for these changes, what kept coming to me, as I stood on the other end of the valleys, in an entirely different mountain range, was how much S P A C E there was between us.

The space between here and there.
The space between mine and ours.
The space between alone and together.
So much space to cross, both literally and figuratively, before this joining can happen.
It's overwhelming.

I held onto this thought as I ran back towards my starting point, my mind mulling over the many things that still need to be worked out and worked through. I thought how some of these things require patience and gentleness, and some need assertive action. I was struck by the enormity of the decisions we are making and the actions we are taking. They don't just affect me and him, but also one little blond haired girl and four dark haired boys, all wonderful children who need and deserve to be put into these equations. As my legs worked hard to carry me back across the side of the mountain, my mind puzzled through these questions: How do I do this? How do I get from here to there? How do I cross the distance that seems so vast, to get where I want to go. Can I get rid of any baggage to make the load a little bit lighter?

By the time I got back to my car, I was tired from the run, but feeling good overall. I enjoyed the time in the sun and it definitely added some spice to my lagging workout motivation. What was really on my mind, though, were the ideas about moving through the space that separates the life I live now and the one I'm trying to build with someone else. I hadn't really resolved anything on my way back but I knew that I kicked up enough mental dust that it wouldn't settle for a while. I resolved myself to having this weigh heavy on my heart for a while.

I started home, and was again greeted by the views of the valley. Again, I was reminded of the space between. Right then, my phone beeped its warning that I had text messages, and a quick glance showed that I had five. Four from friends, but one from him. "how was ur day?" it read. Not a big thing, but that simple reminder that he was thinking about me and wondering how I was gave me the insight I was looking for. And right then, in that moment, I knew.

Yes, the distance we need to cover is vast and there are plenty of hurdles along the way. No, it won't be easy, but going the distance never is, and it is always worth it (a lesson learned from endurance events). Even so, there are so many people who are willing to offer advice, affection or a soft place to land on the way there. And the most beautiful part, the most exciting part, for me at least, is that I don't have to do it alone. He'll meet me halfway, take my hand, and we can finish it together.

And the space between me and him,
between mine and ours,
between here and there...

that space is full of room to grow.

Make-or-Break Moments

Photos by the super fantastic Amy

I've had a few rough weeks, workout wise. Life has been busy to the point of being unreasonable and this craziness has translated into skipping workouts, shortening them, or changing them up for something else. Added to that, the past two weeks alone have contained a bout of food poisoning, a killer migraine, and a sprained ankle. On top of all this, I've had a lot of negative mind-chatter going on in relation to my workouts. Suffice it to say, it has not been the best few weeks for me, athletically speaking.

This morning, I got up and ran a 5K with Amy. The course was part of the Salt Lake City Marathon. It was not an overly challenging course - mostly flat, with a couple of gradual inclines, but nothing intimidating. I sprained my ankle on Tuesday, so I was still babying that along some, but I ran most of it, walked a few times so I didn't re-injure the ankle, and came in with a decent time. Not great. Not terrible. Solidly in the middle.

I don't usually worry much about my times when I compete in an event. I don't even look at them for a few days, because I'm out there entirely in pursuit of my own goals. I'm only in competition with myself and while I admire the elite runners (and cyclists, and triathletes), I do these things for my own personal growth, not to win my age division or get a podium finish. I am reasonable enough with my expectations to know that this isn't likely to happen and my motivation and lifestyle and talents are different than those who are able to accomplish these feats.

This time around, I texted a couple of people with my time, and received varying responses. We won't discuss in detail the person who responded with suggestions of needing to kick it up for a tri. Even though it was a joke, it stung. As usual, though, my girls came through. Amy kicked my trash on the course, so she was waiting for me at the finish line, which was a great way to end a race. Hannah, my kick ass athletic friend, responded with praise for the time, acknowledging the injuring, suggested rest and ice, and threw me a "Great Job! Congrats! Love YOU!" Ultimately, this is what I really needed. Yes, I do these things for me, but it's nice to be validated for accomplishments, even when they are minimal or just a step in the right direction. Maybe especially when they are minimal or just a step in the right direction because often, those are the make-or-break moments when you realize you can give up and call it a day, or you can push through and keep on. The praise, the kind words, the pat on the back - they might be just the thing to push you toward keeping on rather than hanging it up.

Now, I'm feeling a little bit better about losing my workout mojo for a few weeks and have a solid plan for getting back into the swing of things training-wise, have ideas on how to shake things up with a few different types of workouts, and am looking forward to the warmer weather and time on my bike. I'm ignoring the comments that hurt and focusing my energy on getting better, getting stronger, and feeling good. I made it through this make-or-break moment and I think I'm back on track. Thanks, girls. I needed that.

April 12of12

1. With Riley, on the way to daycare and work.
2. The piles of work I tried to get off my desk.
3. Morning snack- Right now, I'm focusing on healthy eating while at work.
4. My earrings, since they are becoming a regular feature of the 12of12.
5. My condo is up for sale. Want to buy it?
6. Riley and I met some friends at Jungle Jim's. She's a little daredevil.
7. April 12 is my Mom's birthday, so we celebrated with Strawberry-Kiwi Tarts.
8. My princess rocks metallic and sequined high heels. And a dress over her pants.
9. Stephanie and Baby Jason, friends who met us at Jungle Jim's.
10. A little hint of Spring, despite the snowstorm that made it's appearance later that night.
11. Riley and Paige (Steph's daughter) - Speed Demons.
12. My new, pretty, pink, feel-good shoes.

What's ringing true for me today

**While most of the people I know professionally are intelligent, kind, and generous people, there are a few who are simply mean, back-stabbing, untrustworthy and small minded. The only way to counter this is with honesty, carefully considered responses, and transparency. It's not worth the energy to worry about past that, and they usually back themselves into a corner and look foolish anyway.

**I feel much better, think more clearly, and am more myself when I get enough sleep. I need to make this a priority. It's an integral part of self-care and one I often ignore.

**The promise of a shipment from Zappos makes a rough week exponentially more bearable.

**You know how it feels when your friend just gets where you are coming from, when they understand everything that you left unsaid and when they can honestly say "I've been there and you are doing the right thing"? That feeling is truly a gift beyond measure. Thanks, LN.

**I need to let myself off the hook once in a while. Being goal oriented is one thing. Being hard on myself because I didn't meet a random self-imposed deadline is taking it a little too far.

**I will not apologize for being who I am, thinking how I think, and remaining true to myself. If someone doesn't like it, they can SUCK IT.

**I've been through enough to recognize when I need to listen to my intuition and carefully examine my actions, thoughts and priorities. I trust myself completely and I need to remember that there is a good reason that I do.

April Goals (or, Trying to Stay on Track)

I have less than 7 weeks until my first triathlon of the season, so to give myself a different sort of motivation AND to bring my training to the next level, i'm planning to completing the distance of FOUR olympic tris by the end of April.

So that means I'll be:

• Swimming 1500 meters (or about 1650 yards)

• Biking 40 kilometers (or about 25 miles) AND

• Running 10 kilometers (or 6.2 miles)

Once a week for the entire month. On top of this, I plan on keeping up my regular strength and cross-training workouts.

I'll be posting my progress once a week through the month so you all can harass me if I'm not keeping up my end of the bargain. And since I'm a believer in rewarding oneself for goals met, I guess I'll have to think of a suitable reward. Hmmmm.....new mountain bike, maybe?