September 12of12

It was a lot of fun to have this month's 12th fall on a Sunday. Sundays tend to be pretty low-key around here. There isn't usually a lot of plans or commitments, just time together, doing the things we don't have a lot of time to do during the week. We spent the morning at church, but I didn't think about taking my camera with me. So you'll have to trust me that both Riley and I looked fabulous. ;) (click on the photo to enlarge)

1. This is how I found Riley when i got out of the shower- bed made and reading. I guess I'm doing something right.
2. Sunflowers are everywhere right now. I love their happy energy.
3. Sunday afternoons mean a lot of snuggling up on my bed and reading.
4. Our neighbor's flowers. Riley says these are her favorite "ever, ever, EVER!"
5. More afternoon reading. I think this was either Runner's World or Bicycle.
6. The sidewalk on our walk around the Aves. I always wonder who these people are and where they are now.
7. I like to cook and bake on Sunday, since there isn't time for it during the week and I find it very relaxing. I made Homemade Granola. Apparently, Riley liked it (who knew?).
8. More baking- blueberry whole-grain muffins. I'm not a huge muffin fan, but these are pretty good because they aren't too sweet and they are pretty healthy.
9. We played a rousing game of hide-n-seek. She was hiding in my cabinet.
10. Riley's toys at the end of the day.
11. Heading out on our evening walk.
12. My neighbor gave me a bunch of tomatoes. Yumm-o! I can't wait to use them.

Following Eve's advice

Cape Meares Lighthouse, August 2010

Cherish your solitude.
Take trains by yourself to places you have never been.
Sleep alone under the stars.
Learn how to drive a stick shift.
Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back.
Say no when you don’t want to do something.
Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees.
Decide whether you want to be liked or admired.
Believe in kissing.

– Eve Ensler

*This quote comes to me unbidden at times. It's one way that I know I need to be listening to my own voice, and ignoring everyone else's.

That Eve...she's a wise woman.

Non-Race Report

Tonight, as I am typing this post, I am sitting with my feet in an ice bath. I ran hard yesterday, and even though I just did an easy recovery run and some plyometrics today, my feet are still very sore. My heels are tender and my toes ache. In anticipation of possibly doing an Olympic length triathlon in October, I've been working on my running form and speed, trying to run with more of a forefoot strike. I'm noticing some improvement in both speed and endurance, but I still get this way after a hard run. Normally, I would find a little bit of pleasure in the pain, because I like the feeling of pushing my physical limits a bit further than I had to, I like when I know I have given something my all. But tonight, the achey feet and the ice bath are serving as a reminder that I'm working on running, not biking, like I'd really prefer to be doing.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you might remember that I had plans to ride LOTOJA tomorrow. It's something I've wanted to do for years, and something that I have been eagerly anticipating and working towards. I have spent lots of time training for it, lots of time thinking about training for it, and lots of time talking about training for it. I have driven people I love nuts with my obsession for cycling in general, and this race in particular. But in about July, it became clear to me that it was very likely not going to happen for me, at least not this year.

The physicality of this goal wasn't the reason I decided not do it. I guess 206 miles could be considered intimidating, but I just saw it as a fun challenge, as a way to force me to push further than I had before. I knew then, and I still know, that I can do it physically, given the appropriate training. But training requires time and dedication, and while the dedication was in place, time is one thing I had little of this summer. My work is very demanding, and the times I had to train (usually when Riley was with her dad) were unpredictable and complicated. I had some personal issues to deal with that took a lot more time and energy than I had anticipated and I ran into a couple of minor health issues that put me out of intense training for about a month. I realized in July that, in order to really be ready for this ride, I would have to do nothing, i mean nothing, besides train for the remainder of July, all of August and the first week of September. Which meant no trip to Oregon, no weekends in Bear Lake, not as much time with my family when they needed me, and most distressing to me, I would have to put Riley with a babysitter every day of every weekend for about 8-10 hours.

I couldn't bring myself to commit to this. The cost was way too high, even for a long-held goal.

Letting go of this was not easy. I had several people tell me that it's just a long bike race and not worth the amount of work and worry I was putting into it. I even had one person tell me that it wasn't worth doing because there was no monetary return on the investment *insert head shake/eye roll here*. I know all of this was well meaning, but clearly these people didn't understand me at all, or the drive behind doing something like this. I wanted to ride LOTOJA to prove something to myself, to answer a question I had about my own abilities and to accomplish something new. Letting go of it meant putting these things off for at least another year, maybe more. I realize now that as long as I am single parenting my child, LOTOJA might not happen due to the sheer time commitment necessary. As it stands, I can't do the 5 am rides before work or the long weekend training rides without seriously sacrificing my child's stability. And although I firmly believe it's good for mother's to have goals and ambitions outside of motherhood, I am not willing to sacrifice her happiness and health for this. She needs more than that and she deserves better than that. I guess she'll have to settle for watching me do triathlons, not major long distance bike races. (note to all you single parents out there: triathlon training is much more flexible and easier to fit into a crazy schedule).

I know that I made the right decision, but it still stings. Today, as some of my friends were preparing for their race, I hugged them, gave them very heartfelt good wishes, and then closed my office door and tried not to let the tears fall. Tonight, I am sending them every single bit of light and energy I can, because I love it when people I love do amazing things. I still wish I were racing tomorrow, but I know that tonight, I'm exactly where I should be: soaking my aching feet and listening to my daughter talk to her baby doll in bed.

Missing the Twinners

T in the water, L in the background

My sister and her family returned home after being here for about two and a half weeks, and I'm missing my twinner nephews, missing them in the way only an aunt can (you know what I mean, right?).

Missing their sturdy little legs and their silky black hair.
Missing how they make car sounds whenever a vehicle is present.
Missing how they try to sit on my dog.
Missing how I have to look directly at their faces to tell them apart...L has the liquid brown eyes (oh, those eyes are gonna melt some hearts some day), and T has the wide, delighted grin.
Missing how they curl into their mama's shoulder.
Missing how they grab fistfuls of the other's hair when they are fighting.
Missing the weird little twinner actions - movements they do simultaneously, for no apparent reason.
Missing the twin talk.

Oh, I am missing those little men BIG!

Becky, BRING THEM BACK!

Today

Today, I am:

*sticking close to home; cleaning out closets, organizing cupboards, hanging photos, making lists. It feels good to give my home a little TLC.

*feeling a little bit sore from a very active weekend. I love when my muscles remind me that I've worked them hard, but they are loyal, and still willing to give more.

*dreaming about the many delights on my fall agenda....a couple of cycling weekends in Moab, a jet-ski adventure, Squam by the sea, hikes to see the changing leaves, Ute football games, USU homecoming. Mmmmm....I love Autumn.

*planning my handmade Christmas. I've decided to make most of my Christmas gifts this year, which means I need to get started soon.

*snuggling with my girl, who isn't feeling her best today. Hoping she feels better soon, but enjoying the cuddles anyway.

*trying to convince Riley that mascara does not belong on a three year old. She isn't buying it.

*excited to watch the Boise/Virginia Tech game this evening. Go Broncos!

*taking inventory of what the girl needs for her fall wardrobe. She's growing so fast and is so tall...I know jeans are on the list. What else?

*working on my "September Project". (I haven't had a chance to tell you about this, but it's coming, I promise. )

What does your labor day look like?

Gratitude Friday (On Saturday, but whatever...)

This has been a whirlwind week, full of lots of fun and good times, and I'm just barely finding time to sit and write the gratitude Friday list I have been composing in my head since yesterday. It's funny, because the crazy-busy weeks are the ones where I feel like I need to write these the most. For some reason, the busy days seem to make me more aware of the great things I have going for me.

**Riley and I have been able to spend some time with four of my favorite people this week - my sister and her husband and my super-adorable twinner nephews. Oh, how I adore this family.
**I made a bit of a breakthrough on some work problems I've been mulling over/working through recently. There are still kinks to work out, but it's giving me a renewed sense of satisfaction and a lot to look forward to.

**I've felt a bit 'off' this summer, in terms of working towards the physical goals I have, but I seemed to have found my mojo again over the past couple of weeks. I love the feeling of being very tired, rather sore, but happy to be so because it means I have pushed past another barrier.

**To celebrate Riley's birthday, we had a little party for her in her daycare classroom. It is always so reassuring for me to see how loved and well-cared for she is there. I know that there are all kinds of horror stories about daycare out there, but I've been nothing but thrilled with her experiences. Being in daycare gives my daughter the social development that she needs at this age, and she learns so much from her peers and the dedicated teachers. I'm so grateful for everyone there.
**This past week, I had an experience that, while very difficult emotionally and mentally, turned out to be an opportunity to really stretch and grow. I walked away from it feeling stronger, more sure of myself and my decisions, and happy to be where I am at. These are the kinds of experiences that shape us into who we become, and while I am just fine to never repeat some of them, I'm truly grateful for them.

**And since it's September 4th, which is my personal self-proclaimed holiday (read about it here), I'll end this post by saying how grateful I am for how far I have come, personally, in the past three years, and for who I am today. For the amazing family and friends who are there for me, no matter what, and for everything they've taught me on my way. Today, instead of throwing a party or indulging in some shopping or spa-time, I have chosen instead to be very mindful of the blessings I have... For life and love, for family and friends, for challenges and celebrations, for health and healing...Today, (and everyday) I am grateful.

Celebrating three years of motherhood

Three years ago today, my life changed in the most miraculous way. I was given the best birthday gift anyone could ask for, the chance to be a mother to the sweetest, sassiest, sunniest little girl. She makes my life rich and wonderful in more ways than I can count. Sharing the same birthday reminds me to treasure her and cherish the opportunity I have to be her mother, that learning to love the way I love her is the most important gift I could be given. I can't imagine where I would be today without her.

To the one who makes me push further, run faster, do my best, laugh more, enjoy the hell out of life, work to make myself better each day, the one who teaches me patience, reminds me to be a good example, and loves me more than I deserve at times....happy birthday, Riley. I hope I can be everything you need and deserve in a mother.

I love you so, SO much.

xxox
Mama