Sunday Musings

Finding Love in Moab - Oct. 2009

On my mind today...

*After a long weekend of organizing, cleaning, purging, planning, and preparing, I'm ready for the week (year, decade, etc.) ahead. I haven't felt this way for a long time and my type A self is rejoicing. Glory Be!
*I was given a new class to teach in church today - 5 year olds! Does it get any better than that?
*Do you ever stop worrying about the one you used to love? And would I want to be a person who could?
*After a 2 .5 hour nap today, I am realizing that I need to direct a little more attention to resting. It's been missing the past few years.
* My summer tri and biking schedule is already filling up, and it's only January. I love having events looming to motivate me to push a little harder. I'm eagerly anticipating the upcoming year.
*Will I ever stop falling more and more in love with my daughter? As we were driving home from her Dad's today, she said "Mama, I missed you." I cried. I missed her too.
*I'm searching for the perfect pair of brown, embroidered cowboy boots. I have seen them in a dream and I must have them! The search is on.
*Isn't it funny how sometimes the exact people you need to meet show up in the weirdest places or through odd circumstances. Serendipity - I love it!

What's on your mind today?

:: On Building ::

I've never actually built a home, but coming from a family of men who do just that kind of thing, I know a little bit about the process. The ultimate goal is a home that is safe, secure, beautiful and functional. Sure, things like the color of the walls and the exact placement of the stairs need to be considered, but first, you have to find just the right place, and develop a plan to make it stable. You first make the whole thing stable and secure so the gorgeous walls don't fall in on themselves, or so the bathtub doesn't come crashing through the ceiling and into the room below. A beautiful, functional home needs a good foundation, careful planning and requires many hours of work.

So does a beautiful, functional life.

In the quest to construct just that, I've spent the past few years knocking down doors that were in my way, digging up tree roots that threatened the stability of my soul. I've taken sledgehammers to the stubborn walls of self doubt and set fire to previously held beliefs that whispered "you're not enough". I've kicked open locked closets full of secrets and guilt, aired them out, and carefully examined the contents, determining what needed to be kept and what should be tossed over my shoulder without a backward glance. In a few extreme cases, I've set some heavy explosives and destroyed what I couldn't muscle through. And then, when things were reduced to ashes and rubble, I got rid of the garbage and spent some time smoothing the surface, finding balance, making sure everything was as level and peaceful and calm as possible.

And now, I'm ready to start construction.

Like many of you, I choose a single word to focus on over the course of the year. This word is my touchstone, a way to easily define what I'm working towards and to evaluate whether my efforts and energy are being well spent, whether they are moving me towards what i am ultimately trying to accomplish and where I ultimately want to be.

My word for 2010 is 'Build'.

I've done the work to lay down a solid foundation for a life filled with vitality and beauty and goodness. I've spent a lot of time dreaming about what I want my life to look like and I'm ready to start determining what materials will be used, figuring out the layout of the rooms, and constructing the walls. All of my personal goals of the past few years, whether they were physical, emotional, mental or spiritual have brought me to this really wonderful place where I get to mull over possibilities, flip through choices and construct a life that is perfect for me. I'm building a home for my heart, a safe place to land.

There is still a lot of work to be done, but that's exactly why I chose 'build' as my word of the year. It's an action word, a word that brings to mind physical labor, sweat, and blisters. To build is a process, something to be worked through but not rushed through. Each stage should be savored and enjoyed for exactly what it is.

My goals for 2010 focus on moving me to the next level, building on what I've already accomplished. I'm working on constructing a life that is spacious enough to invite in all the possibilities that exist for me and my daughter, that is stable and steady enough to withstand the furious winds and shaky ground that are a natural part of this existence, but that is luscious and lovely and comfortable, full of the laughter of friends and family and the peacefulness that comes from feeling completely at home with yourself.

A project like this takes a while; actually it won't ever be completely done. But there is already enough built to invite my friends and family in. So come on over, pull up a chair, grab a hammer if you feel so inclined or just join in the conversation. I'll be working on building my life, but I'm happy to have some company along the way and might ask your opinion on a few things now and then. There's plenty of good times to be had and enough love to go around. I'm getting my Ipod ready right now- put on your favorite song -Let's Dance!

A year in review: 2009

2009 has been a year of growth for me. 2008 was a year of acceptance, a year of picking up the pieces of a broken heart and shattered dreams. 2009 has been about taking those pieces and putting them back together into a new version of myself, into a better, stronger, happier version of myself. There have been so many shining moments, so many of those times that just take my breath away with the wonder and goodness and joy they contain, that I can't find just one or two that define the whole year.

For me, 2009 was about:

*Embracing the ups and downs of motherhood, and adoring the little girl at the center of it.
*Meeting two little guys who grabbed my heart with their tiny, identical fists.
*Finding many new friendships and deepening relationships with old ones.
*Growing creatively, and finding the words to keep telling the stories that are mine to tell.
*Pushing myself to my limits physically, again and again and again, and realizing how fantastic that feels.
*Seeing my hard work make a difference and add to something bigger than myself.
*Reveling in the love and support my wonderful family gives to me and my girl.
*Celebrating important milestones with friends who are always there.
*Figuring out what i believe and what matters most to me.
*Finding the motivation to push harder and dig deeper.
*Cracking open and allowing the light in.
*Learning when to take some space.
*Realizing that I have everything I need.
*Opening myself up to new possibilities.
*Knowing that I am complete and whole.

As the final minutes of 2009 tick away, i find myself overwhelmingly grateful for the amazing life I live, for every single part of it. For the ups and the downs, the good and the bad, the challenging times and the times that glide by, I am grateful. They've all come together to form a complicated and dynamic rhythm, and I'm happily twirling around and dancing to that song into the next new year.

Happy New Year!

The men in my life...

My baby brother (ok, he's 26, but he's still my baby brother) has been visiting this past week and I got to spend some time with him and my other brothers this past weekend. Curt lives in Alaska and hasn't been home for about three years, so it was wonderful to see him. He got to finally meet Riley and after she warmed up to him, she spent an hour running around him in circles yelling "To Infinity and ...BEGONE!" Did I mention it was great to see him?

On the long drive back to my home, I let my mind play over all that these men bring into my life. We are very tight in age, there are seven of us born in eight years, so we grew up together. They were my first friends and my first enemies. We used to conspire and strategically plan pinecone fights with the neighbor kids and go for swimming adventures in creeks and small ponds around our home. They taught me how to climb over fences and shoot guns (although I swear, we never shot them at Dr. Wolf's horses), and later taught me how to properly egg a car and how to sneak out of my window.
Curtis, Nate and Nic -Dec. 19, 2009
Now that I'm an adult, my brothers are my touchstones. They are, in my opinion, what real men should be. They work hard, they play hard, they take care of their families and they adore their wives. They are amazing fathers and they take that role very seriously. They love their nieces and nephews and my little girl benefits from their special brand of teasing and love whenever we see them. They all have their priorities in order and they live their lives to reflect what is important to them. They are living proof that men can be both strong and sensitive, have a strong work ethic and still be goofy and fun-loving, hold to their values but be open-minded about others' choices, they are encouraging and strong. Real men. That's what they have all turned out to be.
Keith, Nic, and Kale...Sept. 2009
Kale is my older brother, which is a job he takes very seriously. Kale is the best kind of older brother. He doesn't say much unless he's asked, but he's full of good advice, sensitive sympathy, and quiet encouragement. He's an amazing Dad to a 12 year old girl, and is in the process of adopting a little guy, Cooper, who is 18 months old. Cooper adores Kale, idolizes him, and follows his every move. Sundays find both of them decked out on in their Denver Bronco's gear, watching football. Hunting season finds the whole family up on a mountain somewhere. Kale is truly a family man and he works hard to include his whole family (wife and daughters included) in what he loves.
Kale with RIley at her blessing - Dec. 2007
When I was little, a teacher asked me who I would give up in my family. The point she was trying to make was that there was no-one i could part with, if given the choice. I immediately volunteered to give up Nate. She countered with "no, you'd miss him too much. I don't think you could give him up." I was pretty certain I could. Now I'm absolutely certain I could not. Nate is the type of guy you want to have around forever. He's fun loving and goofy, and has an ability to make you laugh, even when you want to cry. He's a natural athlete with a daredevil streak and has the broken bones to prove it (He's currently nursing a broken collarbone). He's very sharp and well read, and works hard at his IT job. Like a true cowboy, he trains and breaks horses on the side. He served in the Marine Corp and that training seemed to equip him nerves of steel and an energy that is channeled and focused. He is a patient and protective father to a wild little girl, and he nurtures her creativity while helping calm her chaotic spirit. He makes any child within his vicinity shriek with delight when he chases and tickles them, but has calmly and methodically helped me through some of the toughest situations I've had to deal with. No, there is no way I could give up Nate.
Nate at Becky's wedding Nov. 2007
Keith is the middle child in our family and someone I count as a close friend, as well as my brother. I've spent a lot of time in Keith's home since I had Riley (most of my maternity leave was spent there) and I always look forward to the happy, easy vibe I find there. Riley ADORES her uncle "teef" and in fact, he was the first one to make her smile and the first one to make her laugh. She often asks for him when she is scared or when she's in trouble. He has two gorgeous little girls, and another little bambino on the way. Keith's first priority, without any question whatsoever, is the happiness and safety of his family. He works hard to provide a good life for them, often working in nasty weather conditions and during the middle of the night, and I've never, not once, heard him complain. In addition, he's a talented craftsman, often taking his wife's descriptions of furniture she'd like to have, and turning them into true pieces of art. He's one of the most serious people I know, but with this crazy, goofy, nutty personality who can make his wife howl with laughter and somehow convince me to shoot water up my nose while he films it. Keith is one of a kind.

Keith Christmas tree hunting, Nov. 30, 2009
Nic is probably the most free-spirited of my brothers, although he's mellowed out some as a wife and child came along. Nic is just cool...just easy to be around....just chill. Although I know it's happened (we all have the Wuthrich temper and the Wuthrich stubborness) I've never seen the adult Nic angry or aggressive. He's just....cool. Nic is a nature lover and an animal whisperer. When he was a child, he was the one to find the stray cat or the injured bird to bring home and nurture back to health. He still loves his dogs and although they don't beat out Ambrie, his little girl, for first place in his heart, they might be a close second (Well, after his wife, of course). Nic is charming and easy-going and makes people feel at ease around him. There is never any judgement, never any drama. He's just...cool.
Nic....just cool, even when playing Guitar Hero Sept. 2009
And finally, there is Curt, my baby brother. Curt lives in Alaska and, as mentioned earlier, he rarely makes it down to the lower 48 to visit. He loves Alaska and the life seems to suit him perfectly. He is employed by a ski resort, and handles their facility maintenance, but otherwise, he plays. He snowboards. He mountain bikes. He trains his dogs to pull his dogsled. He plays. Which is exactly what a 26 year old single guy should be doing, in my opinion. Curt is a fantastic uncle, and had Riley wrapped around his finger pretty quickly. He was always a tease growing up, torturing Becky endlessly, but he's grown into a funny, slightly sarcastic, but very lovable guy.
Curt Dec. 19, 2009

So, with men like these in my life, is it any wonder I'm a little bit picky? Any wonder that I am looking for the best there is to be had? Because honestly, my brothers are fantastic men who give me and my daughter so much in terms of time, help, attention and advice. They are collectively my measure of a man, and they set the bar high. I'm very lucky to have such amazing, wonderful, generous, funny, happy men in my life and I'm grateful for them every. single. day.

Grateful for....

*My daughter -for the joy, the motivation and the chaos she brings into my world.

*My family- for the love, the laughter and the support they offer up every day.

*My friends-old and new, near and far, here and there and everywhere. I have truly been blessed with the best friends in the world.

*My job – work that allows me to flex my brain, stretch and grow, make a difference. Lots of people like their job- I LOVE mine. Lucky me.

*My bicycles – My bikes have been my salvation this year. I have yet to find a problem that didn’t solve itself, as long as I keep pedaling.

*The words – they keep coming, day after day, allowing me to share my story and open my life up to others.

*Squam – Where, once again, I found peace, serenity, love and magic. I’m so glad I went. It continues to fill my soul with inspiration and appreciation.

*Water – much healing and solace has been found following the black line. It’s hard to believe I used to be afraid.

*The small ones in my life – my nieces and nephews are constant sources of amusement and love. They deserve their own mention here.

*Faith – it’s a little different than what I thought it would be, but it’s there. And it’s lovely.

*Strength – I have found more of this inside myself than I ever thought I had. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual - I am strong, and, for that, I am grateful.

*Joy – I often find myself twirling around in a ridiculous haze of happiness and bliss. I am grateful to have a life full of what brings me joy.

Wishing you and yours a happy Thanksgiving.

Feeding the happy....

Why yes, I am a dork. Thanks for noticing.
Just a few of the things that are making me ridiculously happy right now...

* New friends- I love the feeling of getting to know someone's soul. I adore that part of the relationship where almost everything about them is a gift. It feels like I'm continually un-tying the ribbon and to see what's inside.
*Old friend- those ones you can call at 2 am they instantly know what you are talking about. What would I do without these girls?
*My new sheets -they are sooo luxurious and a dreamy shade of aqua. I'm madly in love with them.
*My Kelly Barton prints- Beyond being beautiful works of art, they remind me of the artist, who is one hell of a woman and an amazing friend. Love you, Kelly.
*Jen Lee's Podcasts- I took a class from Jen at Squam this past year and i'm still reeling from the impact. Hearing her voice on these podcasts are a great way to reconnect with that experience.
*Cheerio Road -I've followed Karen Maezen Miller for a while. Her book, Momma Zen, is a standard baby shower gift from me. And her blog is so insightful, so enchanting. I want to just hang out with this woman and absorb her level-headed spirituality.
*This girl, and this one, and this one, and this one, and this one....man, i have great women in my life.
*and this blogger, who I just dig. Ladies, this guy has perspective. I asked him to marry me, but he said no. :) Oh well, his loss.

Just a few of the good things that are feeding my happy right now. What's feeding yours?

Under the Weather

Waiting to be seen in the Emergency Room

I spent this past weekend with a very sick child. She was not feeling well on Saturday. By late Saturday night, I was pretty worried (and I am very level-headed when it comes to dealing with a sick kid). By early Sunday morning (3 am or so) , I figured we'd end up in the ER. By Sunday at noon, I was sure of it. We headed in around 2 pm when her breathing started to frighten me. We ended up staying the night and coming home on Monday morning.

That night, when my restless, wound up girl finally gave in to her need for sleep, I sat on the makeshift bed in the corner of her hospital room. I was exhausted, the kind of tired where you ache into your bones and your body seems incapable of any kind of coherent movement. I recognized this tired. I've felt this tired before, and i'll feel it many more times as I raise her.

It's the tired you feel after months of carrying them inside of you, when, even though they haven't yet arrived in your world, their needs supercede your own. It's the tired you feel when you finally hold them, after pushing through the pain of labor and the elation of delivery. It's the tired you feel when they won't sleep, when they won't eat, when you walk the floors with them night after night after night. It's the tired you feel when you've gone to battle against their first colds, staying awake even when they sleep, to make sure their breath is still even. It's the tired you feel because you put them first, because they need you more than you need rest, because they are the best reason there is to watch the twilight fade into the dawn.

She slept for several hours, and I stood guard over her breathing, tickled her arm to ward away her nightmares, protected her from the monitors that startled her into semi-consciousness whenever they alarmed. And as the minutes ticked away, the second hand of the clock on the wall an audible reminder of their passing, my thoughts turned to the many good things I had in that moment.

*a child who is basically healthy and happy, barring a few brief bouts of illness.
*incredible health insurance, making money the least of my concerns that night.
*a pediatrician who is also a friend, allowing us to contact her easily and often.
*a fantastic children's hospital only minutes from my home.
*a flexible job that is understanding and helpful as I deal with the unique needs of single parenthood.
*family who are concerned and loving, calling often to check on us and see how we are.
*friends who stand by us night and day, as evidenced by many late night calls, texts and a few in- person visits from those who happened to be working at the hospital that night.
*neighbors who have become our adopted family, who took care of things on the home front so i didn't need to worry about my dog or my condo.

As I found more to be grateful for, the calmer and more peaceful I felt. The tiredness didn't abate, it never does. But the love I have for my child, the love she gives back to me, and the love that is given to us from our friends and family...it was enough to get me through.

Once again, I was reminded to be grateful. We have everything we need.

Riley loved the moving hospital bed and getting to eat dinner while watching TV in bed.